There are several sessions I could blog but over the past couple of days some things have come to the fore front of my life that I really feel I should share.
This is personal. Like, REALLY personal. I am letting you all into an aspect of my life that I have fought with forever.
I am SUPER insecure. In a business where self-confidence is key… that is majorly crippling. It limits me daily and I can see it. Beyond limiting me it injures me. I skews the way I see others because I automatically think they think a certain way about me. It’s gut wrenching. It’s limiting. It’s unfair. Because of this, I learned a long time ago not to go off of first impressions of people. Usually I was wrong. I question and over think everything. Most recently that insecurity caused me to say something that was damaging and hurtful to someone. My insecurity lead me to believe that no one cared what my opinion was and made me feel safe saying it. I was wrong. I was very, very wrong. That’s hard to admit. Fear and inadequacy lead you to do and NOT do a lot of wrong things. It blinds you, it CRIPPLES you. To take it a step further, I have known this about myself for a VERY long time. This isn’t some new realization or epiphany I’ve had in the past month or so. I have learned how to live with it. It is just as much a part of my life as brushing my hair and teeth. Every situation, every person I meet, my mind goes through the mental check list and ultimately comes to the conclusion… What would they want with me? I would leave meetings and gatherings feeling defeated.

A lot of this roots back to my Love Language.  My love language is words of affirmation. If you don’t know what I mean when I say love language, click this link:  www.5lovelanguages.com This is an awesome resource to learning more about love and how you view it and give it. (This is all kinds of love, not just marriage love – but how you show appreciation for people in general). Words of affirmation are a hard thing to expect from people you just met, especially if it is not their love language. Remembering that isn’t always easy. The emotions I feel are SO STRONG it over powers everything.   Realizing this, however, has been crucial to me sorting out in my mind what drives me to feel the way I feel.  Telling myself I was wrong and to just get over it wasn’t and isn’t working.  I need to know my heart.  I need to know what I am looking for in people and what it is I am needing from them before I can just write them off or blame my inadequacies…

Shew! WOW! Now that you know all of that about me, here is why I am sharing it. I know I am not the only one who struggles with this. Some people just do a better job of hiding it than me. I need help! Not a constant pat on the back or good job or “wow Ashley you are awesome”… No… i would love to know how other’s handle this! I would love to know that if you struggle with this, too, how do you make it through meeting peers and colleagues. How do you not take it personally when people don’t reach your (VERY unrealistic) expectations?
I am working through this! Every meeting, every experience, I am taking in stride. I am not over thinking, I’m becoming confident that people that are meant to be in my life will find their way there. I’m choosing to focus on the great relationships I HAVE verses the ones that I THINK I want.

So here I am.  Some new headshots for the new blog.  This is me.  The real me.  I smile, I laugh, and I love… But I am flawed.  We all have our struggles.  We all have to fight for something.  Mine is believing in my worth without having to hear it from every person.  I am working it out!  Be patient with me!  We are all on a journey!!